6 Steps to Peace when your heart breaks.
The failure of a relationship is heart wrenching.
It feels like failing. All our lives were taught to win, to overcome, to advance. We’re taught how to exceed academically, in sports, in arts, in our careers, in making money. But no one teaches us how to face the failures of life.
When a relationship ends it’s abrupt. Our dreams, hopes, aspirations are snatched away. The rug being pulled from under our feet. Like our life’s movie has been cut short before the happily ever after. And in its aftermath, it’s left a trail of tears, broken promises and dashed hopes.
Just like the 5 stages of grief, there are 5 stages of making peace when the one you love is no longer a part of your life.
Overcoming Victimisation - It is so hard to not ask yourself the question - why me? Why my life? Why couldn’t I get the life I dreamt of? It is so easy to fall into the trap of being a victim, of feeling like life has happened to us. That it is out of our control. Yes, a lot of things that happen to us are not in our control. But our reaction to it is. A relationship is about two people. And you can’t control someone else. But we can accept that we did everything we could and we accept it with grace.
Apportioning Blame - Wanting to blame the other person is so effortless. The mistakes they made, they were a narcissist, they couldn’t understand me and so on. There are two sides to the coin. Worse is, when we blame ourselves entirely and stop loving ourselves, considering ourselves to be a failure or not worthy enough. Understanding the role we play, not in the breakdown of the relationship, but in being honest with ourselves where we stopped living in the relationship being our authentic self, understanding our needs and our partners needs, communicating to express where we need support, love, comfort, reassurance, compassion and where we failed to provide it gives us those answers.
Unburdening Social Expectations - We don’t consider our lives fulfilled unless we live the socially acceptable template - married, kids, the dream house with the pool, SUV. After our relationship ends, even looking at happy families hurts. It seems like the whole world has someone but me. Sadness and heartbreak tints our vision. No one has a perfect life, but in our grief we perceive everyone else happier and hitting those goals we envisioned for ourselves. Breaking free of this illusion is so important because it’s important to see that this is our journey. It is unique. We all have our highs and lows and in the end, this journey is fair to everyone, even if it doesn’t feel like that in the moment. Removing ourselves from the comparison and focusing on our path frees us from this burden of self and societal expectations.
Loneliness and Mirage of Rebound Recovery - The emptiness is terrifying. Everything could be ok, we’re getting better and it hits. The void. The temptation to do anything to avoid this feeling sometimes leads us to choose dating even if our hearts aren’t ready for it. Or distract ourselves with new activities, new hobbies, new people. All of these are good decisions, but not when they’re made to escape the pain. Wanting to feel great without healing is like a bandaid on a deep wound, it covers it up, but the wound festers underneath. The only way out is to feel it all. To go through that pain, to process it. Wayne Dyer said- You can’t be lonely if you like the person you’re with. Liking your own company is so essential to feeling complete, so that when we meet the person who is the right one, we go in with healed hearts and contentment, not need to avoid being lonely. It’s hard, but it is possible.
Accepting the Pain - After the distractions, dates, people don’t make us feel better, or worse patterns repeat themselves and we find ourselves feeling worse than ever, we realise it’s time to accept the pain. To cry, scream and shout, commiserate, feel its depth that threatens to consume us and give in to it. It’s like falling off a step ladder. It feels like a cliff too but when we land, we realise it’s not actually that bad. Accepting it frees us, it enables us to break down the walls, and start our process to accept ourselves fully.
Healing and Freedom - Through the haze and the ups and downs of the above steps is our journey towards healing and freedom. It’s not a linear journey. One day we wake up and feel the lightness of being we crave, feel better, life is easier and flows better. And just when it feels like we’ve crossed the hardest path, boom, we’re hit by the feelings again. It’s like a spiral staircase, and even though those invalidating feelings might return, it’s important to know that we’ve still made progress, we’ve still accomplished a level of self love and self acceptance we didn’t have before.
And before we know it, we’re living in the fullness of who we are. And living with the faith that love will knock on our door again.
